When you throw dirt, you lose ground.

It's been a long time since I have had the urge to write. My experience with MH 370 as a Caregiver has made me stop, look around and think, about what matters most in life. It has also made me so sad  for I did not know how to make things better. I could not understand how some was unwilling to bounce back or accept God's will, neither could I free myself from the self expectations that I had single-handedly taken on, to heal the wounded.

So heartbroken was I to the extend that at one stage, I lost my love for writing. During the worst of times, I held myself together for I knew that if I were to ever break down, I am as good as useless to the ones that depended on me for assistance. Some were mean but I knew I can be better. It is a natural survival reflects to either lash out or withdraw into one's own cave. I am good at being detached and this incident and the pain that came with it, was however, too strong for me to ignore. Too many lives lost, too little explanation to be of comfort or even to appease the fallen. The more I cared for the living, the harder it became to not feel powerless.

The only thing that kept me going was my purpose in life and that is to spread love, joy and laughter wherever I go. No amount of training or setbacks from my own experiences of life's failures, can actually prepare me enough, to accept or understand how someone else will deal with their own tragedies. It is only when I let go and trust God that He knows exactly what He's doing that I am able to feel consoled. I cannot speak for others but I have never been shy to share what I have observed in life.

Everyone experiences pain and heartaches. Some have to deal with it publicly, others don't. Either way, it is there for you to face it, whether you like it or not. You can't just push it under the rug. It will start to stink.You got to do the dirty work. Sweat a little bit or a lot depending on whether it is dust, grime, slime, soot or smut. Faeces, dung, manure or ordure. Name it whatever you want. Nobody is spared. No special treatment given. No fast track through it. Nothing money can buy. Plain old gut wrenching, knife piercing stab, that gives you non stop migraines, instantly takes away your appetite, happily robs you of your sleep, kills your joy for living as well as the living and questions your faith in all things good. The dis ease runs through your veins and screams tears of sadness throughout your entire soul. Depression is indeed a selfish bastard. A soul sucking friend that I'd rather choose to stay away from.

When MH17 hit us a couple of weeks ago, no words can truly describe how I felt. Of course as a Caregiver once again, I am back right smack in the heat of the moment. Not easy I say. Surprisingly, this time around I feel the need to write, to express and to explain how I feel about anything and everything. Too many lies, manipulations and one sided tales that has inspired me to share my true experiences all over again. My biggest worry of the moment is undeniably the fact that I might along the way, rub someone else's shoulders the wrong way and that, will be painfully disappointing for me. As it is, we have all yet to heal. Therefore, I shall thread with caution.

I did want to write the story of our Caregivers but I have come to realise that in the course of telling my stories, there will always be two sides to it. The big hearted MH staff across the board and the grieving next of kin's around the world. No matter how if I am to angle the stories, it will never be able to bring back any of the lost loved ones. I can't bring myself to feel like a hero when doing what I did is after all a natural instinct based on love and compassion, one that I can only wish others might extend towards my own loved ones someday. I am sure, a majority of us who are helping feels the exact same way. It is amazing to see how different people deal with pain or how they treat others when in pain and I am truly humbled by the lessons learnt.

I would also like to take this opportunity to let my fellow Caregivers and MH staff working everywhere at present know, whether you are from WELKINS or other organizations that I have failed to mention here, within the company or out of it, of how much I am extremely aware of all the good that you have done and thank you for being there when you are needed most. A wonderful shout out also to all the lovely Tzu Chi members that I have had the opportunity to work with, the hardworking staff of all the hotels that had welcomed us with open arms, during my stint with MH370 and MH17. May God repay you what no human can and may we continue to pray, for the lost souls on board as well as for the ones left behind, for life will never be the same again for them or any of us. Take heart and do know that there are many living angels walking by your side currently and that you too, are my very own special angels.

I have since started my flying duties and every day I am once again reminded of how strong the human spirit is and how gracious the human heart can be. For each smile that I have received and each word of comfort spoken or support given by all of you out there and inflight towards us and for us, it has given a greater meaning to my existence. Now more than ever, I am happy to have been of service.

When it is my turn to leave this world, I'd like my family to always remember what I have stood for all these years. Never ever argue over money or hurt anyone else, in the process of wanting to fight for my rights. I have never complained, so please don't start, on my behalf. Look at the bigger picture, trust in what the Universe has in store for you and know that we are all ONE. Walk away from the pain. Stop hating. Love and love alike. Oh ya! Please don't forget to plant a tree or two for me :)