Growing up was hard to do. It is even harder when your mom is a single parent who was battling her own inner demons and outside forces.
I was only four when my mom walked out of an abusive marriage. Back then, I was too young to even understand what a huge amount of courage it took her to actually do that, what with 2 extra mouths to feed and no amount of working experience or education to earn a decent living. To make matters worse, her life was so screwed up that she did not want to burden family members, therefore she was all on her own. Kamikaze to the max! Luckily, she was 'GILA' enough to realize that she deserves better. Had she been a coward, we would all be 'dead' by now.
God is great. Thankfully, over the years, there were always angels out there to help us. Sometimes, I do wonder, why us? Why me? Was all this meant to be? Did we ask for this? I remember yelling at my mom those days when I was having one of my tantrums.."WHY ME? I didn't ask to be born!!! Why did you have to marry him??? Why do we have to live like thisssss...WHY,WHY and WHY"...lol! I guess I have been wanting to know the meaning of life from a very young age :) Can you imagine what a difficult child I was? For a woman whose formal education was only till primary 6, my questions were definitely a torture for her and mostly left unanswered! It always ends up either with a beating or a scolding from mom, hence the distance I felt towards her then. At that age, I didn't know life for her was hard. She had to work her butt off to put food on the table while at times relying on total strangers to raise her offsprings. Not only did she lose precious moments seeing her children grow but also lost the love and respect she craves and deserves from them.
Economically, whether she was rich or poor, she never did change her principles or her outlook in life. That was her blessing as well as her curse. When times were bad, her perseverance carried us through but when times were good, she did not know how to enjoy herself and that still saddens me to this day. The biggest hoodwink I got as a child was the fact that I believed her that eating ants was going to make me look prettier. She had to tell me that as I would freak out and not touch any food that has ants on it. There are plenty more unmentionable things she said or made me believe those days and now I know it was all a bunch of BS but hey, a woman has got to do what a man had NO guts to do! Even nowadays when I ask her to use a taxi instead of the bus when she brings my son out, she manages to get her daughter to understand the value of money and the grandson to look forward to an exciting adventure on the public transport. Hehe! Mom's the word..
I used to blame my mom for making my life harder. I hated her for always being nicer and sweeter to my younger brother. You wouldn't believe me if I were to tell you this. Do ask mom and she'll proudly tell you - that's my Jessie. One of my earliest lessons of being independent was to have had to go alone on my first day of school. I was put on a public bus and left to fend for myself. I went off to sleep after crying and feeling excited all at the same time and ended up missing my stop and arriving late on the big day. When I was deemed ready enough, mom bought me a bicycle a year or so later. On one of my rides home from school, I fell off a bridge and nearly got drowned while crossing it. With the help of some good samaritans, I survived, dragged my twisted bicycle and my wet ass home alone. I used to hate my life and I wanted to die for every little thing that didn't go my way. Surprisingly, after all that I had to go through and am going through, I still manage to find something good out of a whole lot of bad and that keeps me going!
When I was younger, I was always embarrassed by the things she does sometimes, like buying a seat in the bus and expecting me to sit on an unpaid seat only to be told off later by someone else or when she was still married and was caught stealing baby formula for my sister Suriya (a blue baby who finally passed on when she was 2) from the supermarket and we were all dragged to the 'punishment room' where mummy had to cry and beg for mercy from sour faced strangers. She was desperate and it was humiliating. This would not have happened had her husband provided for her and his children. Our lives were a nightmare then. An experience I wouldn't want Ryan, my son, to ever go through.
When she became a 'Janda', it was a different ball game. There were times when she'd introduce strangers to me. Men that I know not of. Faces I disliked from the start. Guys whom I thought were taking advantage of her and pulling her away from me. I was afraid, I was angry, I was confused but most of all, I hated mom!
Now that I am in her shoes, I realized how WRONG I was. She needed love just like me. Some of the guys were good men. Mummy didn't hate me. She LOVED me. She did what she had to do to the best of her abilities. She was not only our mom, someone's wife or ex, sister, daughter or friend. SHE is her own woman! From wanting to have nothing to do with how she lived her life, I now see the wisdom in her way of living. She hated no one. She does things without expecting anything in return. She's totally not bothered about what others think of her. She keeps her worries and insecurities to herself and only shares her courage with others.
There are plenty of things that she does over the years that still irks me to no end. However, deep down, I know she means well and only wants the best for me. We will always have this weird connection going on. Ours is a combination between a scream and a hug but no matter what, I know we will always be each other's number one critique and also the greatest supporter either one of us could wish for. As much as I hate to admit it, she is right most of the times! I am glad and definitely lucky to have her in my life. My very own living legend :)
Ps~ don't bother telling someone you know how they feel, no you don't... Even if you were to experience something similar, different people handle situations differently. My mom and I are both single parents but we got over our tragedies on our own time and we end up creating our own philosophies. No need to get your panties all twisted ladies. Life is good to the ones who seek it, have faith, believe in GOD and love, love, love! Hmm..The question is, not whether you should remain single or married. When there is nothing left, WHAT lies within you that matters. Do you have the strength to survive when all else fails? Heck YES! You came into this world alone, you'll have to go through the valley of death alone.. so, what's the big deal? In the meantime, why don't you just enjoy the ride <3 xoxoxo^-^
I was only four when my mom walked out of an abusive marriage. Back then, I was too young to even understand what a huge amount of courage it took her to actually do that, what with 2 extra mouths to feed and no amount of working experience or education to earn a decent living. To make matters worse, her life was so screwed up that she did not want to burden family members, therefore she was all on her own. Kamikaze to the max! Luckily, she was 'GILA' enough to realize that she deserves better. Had she been a coward, we would all be 'dead' by now.
God is great. Thankfully, over the years, there were always angels out there to help us. Sometimes, I do wonder, why us? Why me? Was all this meant to be? Did we ask for this? I remember yelling at my mom those days when I was having one of my tantrums.."WHY ME? I didn't ask to be born!!! Why did you have to marry him??? Why do we have to live like thisssss...WHY,WHY and WHY"...lol! I guess I have been wanting to know the meaning of life from a very young age :) Can you imagine what a difficult child I was? For a woman whose formal education was only till primary 6, my questions were definitely a torture for her and mostly left unanswered! It always ends up either with a beating or a scolding from mom, hence the distance I felt towards her then. At that age, I didn't know life for her was hard. She had to work her butt off to put food on the table while at times relying on total strangers to raise her offsprings. Not only did she lose precious moments seeing her children grow but also lost the love and respect she craves and deserves from them.
Economically, whether she was rich or poor, she never did change her principles or her outlook in life. That was her blessing as well as her curse. When times were bad, her perseverance carried us through but when times were good, she did not know how to enjoy herself and that still saddens me to this day. The biggest hoodwink I got as a child was the fact that I believed her that eating ants was going to make me look prettier. She had to tell me that as I would freak out and not touch any food that has ants on it. There are plenty more unmentionable things she said or made me believe those days and now I know it was all a bunch of BS but hey, a woman has got to do what a man had NO guts to do! Even nowadays when I ask her to use a taxi instead of the bus when she brings my son out, she manages to get her daughter to understand the value of money and the grandson to look forward to an exciting adventure on the public transport. Hehe! Mom's the word..
I used to blame my mom for making my life harder. I hated her for always being nicer and sweeter to my younger brother. You wouldn't believe me if I were to tell you this. Do ask mom and she'll proudly tell you - that's my Jessie. One of my earliest lessons of being independent was to have had to go alone on my first day of school. I was put on a public bus and left to fend for myself. I went off to sleep after crying and feeling excited all at the same time and ended up missing my stop and arriving late on the big day. When I was deemed ready enough, mom bought me a bicycle a year or so later. On one of my rides home from school, I fell off a bridge and nearly got drowned while crossing it. With the help of some good samaritans, I survived, dragged my twisted bicycle and my wet ass home alone. I used to hate my life and I wanted to die for every little thing that didn't go my way. Surprisingly, after all that I had to go through and am going through, I still manage to find something good out of a whole lot of bad and that keeps me going!
When I was younger, I was always embarrassed by the things she does sometimes, like buying a seat in the bus and expecting me to sit on an unpaid seat only to be told off later by someone else or when she was still married and was caught stealing baby formula for my sister Suriya (a blue baby who finally passed on when she was 2) from the supermarket and we were all dragged to the 'punishment room' where mummy had to cry and beg for mercy from sour faced strangers. She was desperate and it was humiliating. This would not have happened had her husband provided for her and his children. Our lives were a nightmare then. An experience I wouldn't want Ryan, my son, to ever go through.
When she became a 'Janda', it was a different ball game. There were times when she'd introduce strangers to me. Men that I know not of. Faces I disliked from the start. Guys whom I thought were taking advantage of her and pulling her away from me. I was afraid, I was angry, I was confused but most of all, I hated mom!
Now that I am in her shoes, I realized how WRONG I was. She needed love just like me. Some of the guys were good men. Mummy didn't hate me. She LOVED me. She did what she had to do to the best of her abilities. She was not only our mom, someone's wife or ex, sister, daughter or friend. SHE is her own woman! From wanting to have nothing to do with how she lived her life, I now see the wisdom in her way of living. She hated no one. She does things without expecting anything in return. She's totally not bothered about what others think of her. She keeps her worries and insecurities to herself and only shares her courage with others.
There are plenty of things that she does over the years that still irks me to no end. However, deep down, I know she means well and only wants the best for me. We will always have this weird connection going on. Ours is a combination between a scream and a hug but no matter what, I know we will always be each other's number one critique and also the greatest supporter either one of us could wish for. As much as I hate to admit it, she is right most of the times! I am glad and definitely lucky to have her in my life. My very own living legend :)
Ps~ don't bother telling someone you know how they feel, no you don't... Even if you were to experience something similar, different people handle situations differently. My mom and I are both single parents but we got over our tragedies on our own time and we end up creating our own philosophies. No need to get your panties all twisted ladies. Life is good to the ones who seek it, have faith, believe in GOD and love, love, love! Hmm..The question is, not whether you should remain single or married. When there is nothing left, WHAT lies within you that matters. Do you have the strength to survive when all else fails? Heck YES! You came into this world alone, you'll have to go through the valley of death alone.. so, what's the big deal? In the meantime, why don't you just enjoy the ride <3 xoxoxo^-^
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