What has happened since then? You ask. Well, for starters...there was no 3rd world war. We are after all a family therefore we love each other warts and all. A house divided against itself cannot stand and we have silently agreed to work towards a common goal. There was no cold war either. No point getting angry over the truth. However, I couldn't avoid falling into the depths of despair. I still had to work and still had to live but I had no interest in eating. Even a cupcake could not warm me up then. The shock of it all was just too much for me to bear. People around me noticed. My mom was worried sick since I didn't touch any food at all. For three days I was on a liquid diet. My friends at work were not used to seeing me like that. I couldn't bring myself to smile. My heart was aching and I couldn't pretend otherwise. My dear friends sent me jokes, messages of encouragements and one even sang and recorded a song for me to hear since I wasn't answering my calls.They keep on telling me that they miss my old bubbly self. Where once I was like sunshine warming up everything that passes by, I turned into a walking advert of doom and gloom overnight. It reminded me of what it was like after my immediate divorce. I felt betrayed by my closest and dearest. I felt like a scumbag. A total failure. I was once again indulging in my pain. It's bad, I knew that but it felt good to cry.
I went into a self reflection mode instantly. I deactivated my Facebook account, ( Yeah! It was drastic but I wanted to take a breather ), left my group chats, went into hibernation from friends, gave my fullest attention to my boy and started questioning everything all over again. For the second time around..What am I doing wrong this time? What can I do to make things better? Why do some think of me a fake? What am I not genuine about? My feelings? The way I treat others? The way I live my life? The way I carry myself? What?! It took me great effort to pull myself together the last time around. I nearly died when I lost my husband. No one knows exactly the price I had to pay to be where I am today. It was indeed lucky to have had wonderful support from family and friends. So much so, that I must have been taking things for granted again. Four years of having fun and searching for myself is good enough I guess. I am now able to enjoy my own company. It is time to focus on my boy. To take back what is rightfully mine - My preference on how my son should be raised. Looking back, I now understand the wisdom behind what has happened. It was a long time coming. Something that my intuition has warned me about time and time again. Perhaps that is also the main reason why, I chose to decline an offer to work permanently in the Middle East recently.
Since the shocking incident last weekend, my heart has also become stronger. I have known from the start the root cause of it. All these years, it was just swept under the carpet waiting for someone to come by and stir the dirt up all over again. Perhaps that is why I felt the pain more. My son's tantrums was just a trigger. It was the tip of the iceberg. It is unfortunate that he had to bear the brunt when we adults are the ones at fault. No one wanted history repeating itself, that much I am sure of and that is why, fear had gotten the better of us that night. It is sad really, as there were no dragons to slay. That is also why I know, that I have failed my son much and the others too. Thus, I'd like to thank every one of them, whom I consider family, for having done what they did and say what had to be said. Ultimately, I know them long enough to know, that they meant well and for that, I shall forever be grateful.
By the way, just incase some of you were to say " there she goes again ", let me tell you this - It takes a whole lot more to break me. It'll be a lie to say that I wasn't hurt by the slap and what ensued thereafter from all quarters. It might have landed on my son's face but that hand and the actions of the rest, have definitely gutted right through the core of my heart and ripped my soul apart. Being misunderstood will forever be a thorn in my flesh. Something that I will have to live with. I'll never be able to avoid pain. I am only human but I have been there many times before and each time, I have learned how to turn that pain into strength. A knowledge that has been a wonderful gift to me and one that I cherish most in life. I am not being me for the fame. I am way passed that. Being nice, being positive and being the way I am, is my way of making me happy. Living a life of purpose is my way
of existing. If you can't stand me, step aside and let me pass through..that is your problem not mine.
At times, all of us need some time out . I have come to experience, that the best advice is always
found on the pillow. So dream a little dream and be merry.
I went into a self reflection mode instantly. I deactivated my Facebook account, ( Yeah! It was drastic but I wanted to take a breather ), left my group chats, went into hibernation from friends, gave my fullest attention to my boy and started questioning everything all over again. For the second time around..What am I doing wrong this time? What can I do to make things better? Why do some think of me a fake? What am I not genuine about? My feelings? The way I treat others? The way I live my life? The way I carry myself? What?! It took me great effort to pull myself together the last time around. I nearly died when I lost my husband. No one knows exactly the price I had to pay to be where I am today. It was indeed lucky to have had wonderful support from family and friends. So much so, that I must have been taking things for granted again. Four years of having fun and searching for myself is good enough I guess. I am now able to enjoy my own company. It is time to focus on my boy. To take back what is rightfully mine - My preference on how my son should be raised. Looking back, I now understand the wisdom behind what has happened. It was a long time coming. Something that my intuition has warned me about time and time again. Perhaps that is also the main reason why, I chose to decline an offer to work permanently in the Middle East recently.
Since the shocking incident last weekend, my heart has also become stronger. I have known from the start the root cause of it. All these years, it was just swept under the carpet waiting for someone to come by and stir the dirt up all over again. Perhaps that is why I felt the pain more. My son's tantrums was just a trigger. It was the tip of the iceberg. It is unfortunate that he had to bear the brunt when we adults are the ones at fault. No one wanted history repeating itself, that much I am sure of and that is why, fear had gotten the better of us that night. It is sad really, as there were no dragons to slay. That is also why I know, that I have failed my son much and the others too. Thus, I'd like to thank every one of them, whom I consider family, for having done what they did and say what had to be said. Ultimately, I know them long enough to know, that they meant well and for that, I shall forever be grateful.
By the way, just incase some of you were to say " there she goes again ", let me tell you this - It takes a whole lot more to break me. It'll be a lie to say that I wasn't hurt by the slap and what ensued thereafter from all quarters. It might have landed on my son's face but that hand and the actions of the rest, have definitely gutted right through the core of my heart and ripped my soul apart. Being misunderstood will forever be a thorn in my flesh. Something that I will have to live with. I'll never be able to avoid pain. I am only human but I have been there many times before and each time, I have learned how to turn that pain into strength. A knowledge that has been a wonderful gift to me and one that I cherish most in life. I am not being me for the fame. I am way passed that. Being nice, being positive and being the way I am, is my way of making me happy. Living a life of purpose is my way
of existing. If you can't stand me, step aside and let me pass through..that is your problem not mine.
At times, all of us need some time out . I have come to experience, that the best advice is always
found on the pillow. So dream a little dream and be merry.
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