Something in me died last night. Yesterday was one of my happiest as well as saddest day. I don't know how to describe what has happened but I shall try my very best to be as frank as possible without hurting anyone unnecessarily with the truth. As I sit down on my cozy chair by the beach right now, I am trying to comprehend how much more can I fail in life and what more can I do to make things better. They say truth hurts..but they don't say how much.
I am an amazing friend but I fail big time in other areas when it comes to relationships. My son is only 6 and yet I do not know how to raise him well. I have a mother who is trying her very best to help me in that area and yet she herself, has been told countless times by others that she is not doing it right. I have an uncle who is more like a father to me and I look up to him. Unfortunately he doesn't care much for my son's nonsense. I also have a brother, my one and only, who is trying his very best I hope, to be a better person and I have a son who misses his papa but is smart enough to not ask much questions about him, for he knows he won't get the answer he should hear. One who craves for his mother's attention, manipulates his grandma to his liking, is terribly afraid of his Kong Kong, for he senses no love there and thinks his uncle is God.
I was so looking forward to yesterday. For a single parent like me, weddings are heavenly. I was invited by a dear friend of mine who is a pilot to celebrate his beach wedding at Andaman with his beautiful bride from Japan. Little did they know, the location holds a special place in my heart. It was a destination where someone I used to love once had brought his sweetheart to, long after we stopped being friends. From then on, I was curious to know what it is like to be able to spend time together there.
Right from the sentence " Please come.." I was amazed at how well things fell into place. The fact that my leave was approved at the very last minute without having to beg anyone, the fact that the flights were all full ( being the last weekend of a school holiday and I am still able to get my seats secured way in advance ), the fact that I got a room on standby especially for me at my favourite spot ( at a cheaper rate than usual ), the fact that of all places, I bumped into my girlfriend whose daughter is a friend of my son's there and we ended up having lunch together with her friends, the fact that I was offered a good deal by a taxi driver to the venue, as I didn't know how far Andaman was from my normal hangout place and how ridiculous it was for me to have to pay nearly RM 160 for transportation to and fro thanks to the midnight surcharge ( I was told not to rent a car and drive alone especially in the middle of the night due to ' makhluk halus ' ), the fact that I thought I was going to be late for the beach wedding because halfway through.. my driver had a flat tyre but luckily I was able to reach on time to see the couple take their wedding vows, the fact that it was indeed a lovely wedding, witnessed by close friends and relatives from both parts of the world, the fact that I enjoyed the service ( I got a waiter into trouble..poor guy, his full cart of glasses went rolling and smashing into the drain thanks to me as I was late and lost, so he wanted to guide me to where the party is ), the fact that the food was so delicious and the company was exactly how fun people should be.
However, nothing good lasts forever. It all came crashing down halfway through dinner. I received a few phone calls, text messages from my brother and a few concerned friends. " Open your Facebook! " it says. " Be careful how you reply " was another one. " Are you alright? " my bestie asked me. " " Oh dear, I didn't want to spoil your Langkawi trip. I am sorry " Came my brother's reply when he found out where I was. It was a shock when I read what was posted on our walls. It was a family disaster and my worst nightmare. Not the fact that my uncle had given my son a slap ( which I found out from him later, that it wasn't a hard one but enough to get his message across ) for throwing tantrums but the fact that he had to justify his actions by putting it down for the world to see. I called him immediately to ask about what had happen and told him how I felt. He was shocked that I am
more concerned about being embarrassed by his wall post than the fact that my son is getting way out of control. He has a point there and I understood. I called up my brother to ask why he had to tag me
on that particular post and his reason was that he thought I might miss the post otherwise ( He was
just as lost as I ) and when I called up my mom, she said "lets not talk about this. The less is being
said, the better. We are off to sleep, goodnight. "
Imagine what was going through my mind. Something snapped and I cried my eyeballs out by the
poolside. I made sure no one saw me especially the bride and groom. It is after all their special day. It was sad enough to have found out earlier, that the bride's father had passed on a few days after their
wedding in Japan. It was good though to have known that he had gotten a chance to give his
daughter's hand away to this wonderful person in the first place. Nothing is ever set in stone and the
unexpected tends to creep on to you when you least expect it! Things always has to happen at the
worst timing, sigh..At that moment it also didn't help matters when my phone battery was dying on
me ( busy snapping pictures away earlier ) and the phone line keeps getting disconnected due to the
location. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't go back to the party. I looked like shit! I had to leave
straight away. I wasn't in the right frame of mind. Run! Was my first response. Lie was my second...
I gave the worst lie ever. I requested for a waitress to call a fellow girlfriend of mine that was seated
next to me to pass me my handbag and later on told her that I need to go back. "There's an
emergency." I explained. Then another came and another. I stopped it at three. " Why? " They wanted to know. I told them rubbish. " A friend died. " At that moment in time, it sounded way better than
the truth. At least others won't think poorly of me or my family, I thought. I told them not to tell
anyone else. " We wouldn't want to ruin someone else's day" I said. They agreed whole heartedly. I
felt far worse after that. It didn't help matters at all. I wasn't being true to myself and I knew it.
I reached my cabin early. I went for a walk by the beach. Listening to the sound of the ocean soothes
my soul. As I was heading back to my room, a guy who bought me a drink before I left for my party
earlier in the day, stopped me at the stairs and offered to send me to the airport when I am ready to
leave, as I had mention to him about my departure date and timing when we last spoke. I declined but
he insisted. I was too tired to get into a conversation, so I accepted gracefully and excused myself.
Poor boy doesn't even know that I am a Muslim woman and a single parent yet. I think I am also way
older than him. All he sees is a beautiful young carefree girl by the beach. How deceiving a smile can be and how complicated things truly are.
I can't explain my uncle's actions or speak on behalf of my brother for what has transpired. Neither
can I explain why my mom deems fit to coddle my son the way she does. I can only rectify what I am doing wrong. Being a single parent is not an excuse to leave your child to be taught by his teachers
or be disciplined by others. Neither is my situation an excuse to let my mom bear all the responsibility for the way my son behaves at the moment. It was all my undoings. Instead of arguing
and putting my foot down at times, to avoid confrontations from all areas, I had in fact played a huge
part in what went down last night and for that, I assume full responsibility for my lack of foresight. It
is the truth and nothing but the truth..so help me GOD.
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