I love the outdoors. I feel more at home when I am close to nature. It wakes up my senses and keeps me on my toes. It demands that I be more aware of my surroundings and it teaches me the true meaning of love, respect and humility. It invigorates me, it drains every ounce off me and it keeps me coming back for more. The pleasure, the pain, the beauty and the ugliness..All in one huge package we call Mother Nature :)
My first experience climbing a mountain was in 2010, ( I have enjoyed climbing mountains since ) eight months post divorce. It wasn't a planned trip. After getting back on my feet and keeping depression at bay, I had a sudden urge to do something that I have never done before. Why not climb Mount Kinabalu? I thought. So, I gathered a few friends, told them what I wanted to do and before I knew it, we were ready to go. It took only a month or less for the 4 of us to get up and going. We didn't have much time to meet, exercise or discuss anything together before the trip, as we were all busy flying to different locations, but the excitement however, managed to override the fear of the unknown. One of the hardest things to do for an airline crew, is to hangout with each other frequently. Therefore we knew that it was next to impossible to meet up to train unless there had been plenty of planning and reorganizing earlier.. Honestly, I didn't know what to expect, except that I was going to be with great company! We end up doing stuff on our own till the big day. It was indeed a miracle that I sumitted & came back in one piece. Most importantly, that one hike was all it took to make me appreciate and love myself more. It showed me that if I were to put my heart and soul into something, with the help of others and if I am determined enough, I am bound to achieve what I intentionally set out to do. The only question is, at what cost?
Needless to say, I came back a different woman. One that no longer fits into the small mould that I have quietly accepted and comfortably settled in. I read somewhere about mountaineering once that, " It is not the mountains that we overcome, but ourselves. " I couldn't agree more as that is exactly how I feel every single time I peak. Even if I don't, the journey itself and the company I meet along the way is its own reward. I am an easy person to please. I was never one who believed in winning at all costs. Call me a fool but I am more the type that relates to the old saying that, "To win, sometimes you have to lose." I can live with myself better that way knowing that the only one that is hurting is me, for it is easier to heal from within. When I was younger, I didn't know how to articulate my thoughts and feelings but now I realize that I have always been more spiritual than religious. I do believe in GOD but really..who needs religion when you have a conscience. Think about it, hehe! Honestly, I have nothing against any religion. I find all of it beautiful, interesting and interconnected but I'd rather communicate directly with my creator in a way that I am comfortable in and not get confused by his creations. I no longer feel trapped by religion. I have made peace with it a long time ago. Everyday is a learning process for me.
Incidentally, we pay so much for healthcare, trying to find the medicine or cure for this and that when the best and most effective way to avoid all this in the first place is to take good care of oneself. Mentally, emotionally and physically. Most often than not, we are the ones that create our own problems at the start and then we go on and blame others for our pain and sufferings. It is amazing to see how others who have less in more ways than one, surviving well, achieving better and being more grateful for what most of us take for granted. We came into this world alone, we are going to leave it someday alone and yet, why are we so afraid to live a lonely existence? Are we really alone? How can we be when we are all connected? Didn't all of us come from the same source? I have been struggling with that question for ages and have been trying to psyche myself up every now and again, telling myself that it is ok to be comfortable in one's own company. After all, it is in solitude that we are able to listen to our own inner callings, reconnect with our deeper feelings and work out what we truly need or want.
I am an idealist and mostly needs to be dragged down to Earth with a resounding thud before I can wake up. Some thinks I dream too much for my own good but there has never been a greater time for more dreamers and lovers like me than now. People are way selfishly edgy and suspicious of everyone, everything and anything. They build up too many walls to an extend that even loved ones are not able to reach, live like caged animals waiting to pounce or lash out at anyone that crosses their path and then they wonder why are they surrounded by so many haters? I do however understand that it is a survival instinct to want to protect ourselves from hurt. Imagine all of us started off as babies, all innocent and pure, full of curiousity, like a moth to a flame, who accidentally touches fire and gets burned. At that age, we already know not to repeat the same mistake but if we were told by our parents after that..that it is safe, we will still trust them and do it blindly, for we know that they love us unconditionally and would not have wished us harm. The difference is, when some of us become adults, lose our bearings and experience more setbacks, we grow wary, weary and sometimes resentful without having the will to want and be so open and trusting again. You can't just expect another to willingly put themselves in harm's way repeatedly knowing terribly well that what awaits him or her is uncertainty. They must be brave enough to not mind getting hurt all over again in their own search for reasons and answers to life's mystery. One thing is for sure - the only way we are able to make this world a better place to live in is through forgiveness and compassion.
In life, you don't always get what you want. Even if you do, it might not last forever. You must also not limit yourself to only what you think you deserve, for doing that will only lessen the abundance of what the Universe has in store for you. No use blaming others for your choices either. For example, in my case ( between my ex husband and I ) ~ He didn't force me to fall in love with him. I gave him my heart willingly. He can't make a baby on his own. I was the vessel that our lil miracle came out from. He wanted a divorce after all that we have been through and done for each other in the name of love but it was I who agreed to " I Do" years before. He might have chosen to be a jerk and withdraw child support later on but it was I who didn't mind to finally let go, move on and wish him well, with or without him wanting to take responsibility for our son. So why blame others for your decisions when you are fully aware that nothing could have happened the way it did, had you chosen otherwise? Also, there is no point bashing ourselves up for the mistakes that we think we have made. We are only human and to continue growing as inviduals, we sometimes have to stand small, correct the wrongs and believe in all the goodness that lays hidden, somewhere within us and that can naturally spring forth when there is a reason for us to have to dig a little deeper.....
Left-Right Kinabalu 2010 ( Grace the ultra cool yogi/stewardess, Narish the generous pilot/friend, me in my pasar malam shoes/clothes plus a borrowed back pack thanks to Adrian Lim our mutual crew friend & Anuar our duty officer at work & fellow lover of adventures )
* I'll find time to come up with more writings soon. Till then, here's me sending positives vibes your way. Stay healthy & stay balanced aight! :)
Remember :- The WORLD will give you what exactly you ask of it! Tony Robbins.
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