Staying Positively Lovely :)

A kindred spirit texted me a few days ago and ended it with, " Cheers back to you and stay positively lovely. " It made my day and yet only I will know how much those few words really meant. Faced with a storm that threatens to engulf me, the past few days I have been wanting to turn on my heels and run as far away from familiar surroundings to a place where nobody knows me or will be able to hassle me. Simply put, I now have an irrepressible desire for freedom away from it all. As it is, I am tired of being tired.

10th of July was an extremely weird day for me. I woke up feeling happy knowing that it was lil Sophie's birthday ( her mom is a good friend of mine ) and that I'll be seeing all of them soon. Then I had a surprising call from an old flame ( he seems to always be there right before I fall ) which I had no time to speak to, before getting some shocking news through a * third party * from someone I care deeply for ( that made me cancel our weekend plans altogether after saying what I had to say later that night and doing what is right for both of us. It was easier for me to let go once I think of him as a human and not as my hero ) minutes before receiving a depressing message from another man that I once loved, who had lost his dad the day before ( by then, I was numb ). I had nothing left to feel. It is sad when good friends turn to strangers. Especially when you know that you'll always love them but you have forgotten how to do it right. Just when I was about to go to bed, I received another phone call that brought me much joy and peace of mind. Life is indeed full of surprises! Not surprisingly I went off to sleep that night not knowing whether I should feel sad or happy. At present, I feel nothing. I guess this is how being neutral feels like. I can get use to this.

As I see it, I am a failed experiment to some and an inspiration for others..but mostly, a story teller who entertains. What's unique about me is, I don't talk incessantly about other people's flaws, especially their failures and only find comfort in sharing what I have been through personally and all the goodness that I have experienced in my lifetime.

I am only human and just like you, I have feelings, dreams and wants..and just like you, well..most of you that is...I am still searching, still learning, still hurting and still living an unfulfilled existence. Not many knows how amazingly hard it is for me to be positive no matter what. I grew up getting crap thrown at me now and again, and yet..over the years, I have learned to make manure out of it and used it to fertilize the garden that grows inside of me instead. Sometimes, when I am in the mood for love, I let the people that I trust with my life to have a peek into it, stay if they  choose to, take all they want if that is what they need, leave when they have had enough and sometimes when I am feeling extra generous, I'll even let strangers sit under the shade of my trees, enjoy the sunshine from afar, bask in the warmth, watch the flowers bloom and listen to each raindrop that falls, hoping that they'll know that there is eventually a rainbow that awaits them at the end of it.

I can't help but sometimes feel like I am public property. As much as I try to be an individual and break away from being chained up by society or be labelled as this or that, I still feel the need to connect and be a part of that same group of people that have, might or will reject me in my past or future and also the same one that I am trying to run away from. A deep sense of having to face my fears alone suffocates me to no end. It creeps the hell out of me. Every time when I think that I have been sucked dry, reached my limit and have nothing else to offer, something or someone will make me want to squeeze as much or as little as I have left, hoping that by me doing so, they themselves might be interested to create their own beautiful Heaven on earth. It reminds me of what it was like trying to pump my breast milk out for my baby, the first couple of days of his life when he was hungry but didn't know how to latch on. I literally had to pump my nipples sore till there was blood oozing out from it. It sounds gory but that is the ugly truth. It was frustrating, it was painful but I continued doing it out of love. Eventually, we both got it right and till today, trust me when I say that
only mothers who have breast fed their babies will remember the joy and fulfillment that such a
satisfying bond brings.

Taking things in stride, understanding why things have to happen the way it does and accepting what the universe have to offer.. gracefully, whether it is good or bad is a work in progress for me. I wake up everyday getting ready for battle ( there is just too much negativity around me, it starts from in my head right up to everything that surrounds me ) and I go to bed every night feeling thankful that I have survived yet another day without becoming bitter. It is something that no one else notices but it means everything to me. I might look pretty and fragile on the outside but if inner scars were meant to be seen, you'll be shocked to see the battle worn warrior in me.

You see, I am the girl that nearly made it. The one that should have made it happen and the only one that could! I did something good for me recently. A dream come true. It was meant for the world.
Now, I have decided to keep it where it belongs. In my heart. It was a labor of love inspired by trust.
Only God knows what and why I had to change my mind at the very last minute. I know that it is
something that I won't live to regret because from the start I knew it wasn't fame or fortune that
motivates me. I already know what I am made of now and I don't need others to remind me of what I 
am capable of anymore either. There are those who will never know how close I have come to what 
society deems a success story and never will. It was a fairy tale meant to stay where it truly belongs. 
In my head! I no longer have the desire to prove to anyone else how far I have come. Everything 
good that I do, I have done all out of love, therefore there is no need for anything else. The pain and 
emptiness that follows were temporary. The person that I have evolved into is worth every 
disappointment, every failure and every heartbreak. That is something money can't buy nor 
something that I can just pass on.

For what it's worth, I might not have always gotten the love I wanted in return for all that I have
dished out but always..always...something better. It is their trust and faith in me that keeps my heart
smiling. It is the strength in our genuine bonds that keeps me believing in myself. It is what we do good with our lives, separately or not that keeps me looking forward to the future. I might be a nobody to many but I am somebody to some. I might be the girl who never made it but deep down, we all know I did :)