Tuesday, March 4, 2014

A Tale As Old As Time

It has been quite some time now since I have last blogged. Going back to school has brought me out of my comfort zone and made me aware of my insecurities all over again. I feel like the lost kid in high school at the moment. The difference is, I am way older and my responsibilities are far greater than just wanting to score results. I am flying from one end of the world to another, earning a living, whilst in between, trying to be a mother to my son and at the same time, squeezing as much juice as I can get, out my brain cells! My mind's all over the place, my heart isn't where it should be and I haven't been able to reflect.

It was when I was waiting for my transport home last night, that a workmate of mine, stopped by to greet me and mentioned that she enjoys reading my blogs and was wondering whether I'll be writing the next one soon. When I asked her why does she like reading my blogs, her reply was that, I am every woman. I write from my heart and she can relate to that. It is also more comforting for she knows me, the woman behind the thoughts.

Today I'd like to talk about how hard it is being me. The daughter, the mother, the employee, the leader, the friend, the lover..The woman.

I am all that and more. What if I don't have to be afraid. Afraid of what others might think of me. Afraid of not being able to live up to your expectations. Afraid of being a failure. Afraid of hurting another. Afraid of being selfish. Afraid of wanting what is not mine. Afraid of losing myself in the process of being afraid of AFRAID.

I have been told on numerous occasions by frustrated suitors and friends alike, on how some stupid principles of mine, have gotten me to where I am today. ( I don't date married men or younger guys ). Married men flaunt their wealth at me. Younger men tempt me with everything youthful and fun. I turned each offer and every individual down. Instead I'd love freely for love and love alone..and that is something not many understands about me. That however, does not help pay my rent nor does it feed my child. Nevertheless, if you win my heart, whatever the circumstances, I'd love you with all I have got!

I remember how some of my own family members used to joke telling me when I was way younger and in demand that I should open my handbag before I decide to open my legs for others. Those days, I'd smile and dismiss it. Nowadays, I can understand the rationality behind it. Some colleagues at work even had the balls to tell me straight to my face to stop dreaming big. After all, I am considered used goods with excess baggage. It is about time I land my feet on the ground. Some sweet young girls even told me innocently, to not be competition. I can't help but feel for them.

Nothing is ever what it seems neither are people who they portray themselves to be. Just like you, I am searching for my one true love. Just like you, it is ever elusive. Just like you, I continue to bleed and just like you, I am trying to be true to who I am. In the process, there are days that I feel like a hypocrite.

Who am I anyway? I am Jasmin. A dynamic being that evolves with time and yet worries about whether I am worthy of me. What I believed yesterday might not be who I am today and that terrifies me. It makes me feel weak when I should be strong. As I grow older and see the world for what it really is, I am starting to lose my "innocence" day by day. Deep down, I know that I am fighting a losing battle.

The video below is a testament to one of the sweetest miracle I have ever experienced in my lifetime. No strings attached. No expectations demanded. Only love and generosity throughout. Two good friends, a guy named Ravi Karupiah whom together with his wife Irene Tham, sponsored my trip, last October to Annapurna Base Camp and Casey Ngo, a fellow mountain climber friend of ours, who loaned me all her equipment and climbing apparels, so that I'll be kept warm and prepared for any eventualities. Dreams do and can come true, thanks to my fellow brothers and sisters. All is not lost after all. Everything is taken away from you for a reason and all will be handed back to you eventually, when the time is right in whichever manner and when you need it most. No matter what you do, LIVE your life and love YOU :)