Thursday, June 27, 2013

What confidence..What pride..What nonsense..

~ If you are to win someone's heart, was winning all that mattered? What makes you think that it was ever yours in the first place?

~ If you are rich, how rich are you really? Define rich.

~ if you do not know whether you are loved, is it somebody else's fault or was it yours for not feeling what is? Love comes in many forms.

~ if you feel alone, has no one ever told you that the whole universe is inside of you? Silence your mind and listen to your heart. It has a story to tell.

~ if you are frustrated with the way the opposite sex thinks, growing up, haven't you had any spaghetti dishes or waffles to eat? Don't you think women's brains are like spaghetti? Our thoughts mixes and mashes together all over the place where else men's are like waffles. They concentrate on one square at a time..Agreed? Eaten at the right moment, both feeds our hunger & tastes as delicious!

~ if you think men couldn't care less, maybe it's about time that you realize & ponder over these thoughts. Given two choices in life, what do you think a man would prefer? To be alone & unloved or disrespected & under valued?

~ If you can't get over someone you have loved & lost, you'll never be able to live in the moment and be happy. Why don't you imagine yourself as a cup? Just like RUMI said.. To continue filling the cup up, you will have to empty it first.

~ If you sense that you are being taken for granted and doing the opposite of what you want, isn't it time to pull in the reins and stop others from having too much control over you?

~ if you haven't dated much, let me share with you the wisdom of dating. There will be plenty of new found friends, that you'll grow fond of, who'll speed in & out of your lives leaving stardust in your wake. Why feel hurt and shy away? See the beauty in it & learn to create your very own magic.

~ The more you try to detach the more frustrated you'll become. The problem is, not everyone understands the true meaning of detachment. The frustrating part is, no one is able to detach unless they feel whole & the only way I can think of, for someone to achieve that, is by enriching one's life with love & compassion.

~  How do you love? If I were to say, that love is not meant to be possessed, would you think that I am nuts for saying so? To love a person is to recognize the soul that thrives within. When the body leaves you, your love for each other will continue to exist.

~ It takes years for one to get to know, love and cherish one another. It took great effort to get where you are together. Why spoil it by being insecure?

~ Have you ever wondered why you were put on this Earth? How did you become you? We started off as a bunch of atoms, totally non gratifying at an atomic level. Along the way, these tiny particles worked so hard to keep us intact and brought us into existence. Without these tiny little miracles, the saying ~ ashes to ashes, dust to dust, rings true! Let's keep you, YOU and make the best of what the universe has in store for us, shall we?

Sunday, June 23, 2013

The Powerful P's That Revolves Around Our Lives :)


* Why do you pray? Have you ever asked yourself this question? Someone asked me once & I was loss for words. I wanted to give the right answer but I didn't know how to express how I feel about the whole God-Religion-Faith-Power of a Prayer thingy. Don't even get me started on the right way to pray. Your way is better than mine does not make any sense at all if you were to ask me. Sorry, but to me, this is an extremely private love affair that does not concern anyone else. Do I pray? Yes. All the time. Why? To feel closer to HIM. How? In my ways, my understandings, my actions, my interactions & my love for everything that he has created for me. May PEACE be upon you too.


* Positivity can be cultivated. It is a habit one evolves into. It takes consistency and the willingness to have an open mind & heart. Accept feedback and change what you can. Focus from within. For example, if success is what we crave for, think of all the things that we have achieved and feel good about it. If it is love that we want, remember that we are brought into this world to give and anything we *get* is a gift. Concentrate on the people who are already there for us, care for us and be the first to share our love with the rest. If we want to be healthy, focus on all the ways that we already are. Share a smile because you can. More often than not, we'll receive one back. What a wonderful thought to be able to wake up in the morning full of excitement, thinking of all the tiny things within our grasp that we can do, to contribute towards our 24hrs, knowing that we have the power within us to deliver and receive all the things that we truly desire for ourselves. The only reason I can find, that we are incapable of being happy, is simply because of the way we think. It is time that we fill up our own pot of *golds*. Even if someone were to poke holes in it, we are not bothered. Why? Because there are plenty more from where that came from. We don't even need a reason to be happy. We simply are. If we are happy for a reason...what happens when the reason is gone? 


* Get to know ourselves well. What are our strengths? What do we like best about ourselves?What drives us & keeps us going? What turns us on? Once we know the WHAT, we'll be able to get to the HOW and start developing it. Only then, will our lives be worth living.


* Life is never meant to be fair. It's to be lived. It is not perfect but it does consists of *perfect* moments. Take a break, recharge, do what needs to be done to stay afloat and remain calm. Bear in mind that everything has its own place and time. All is well as it has been and will always be. 


* Never ever give up. Keep on going. We might have to struggle and there could be plenty of obstacles in our path but as long as we continue doing it with grace, there is bound to be glory waiting for us somewhere. 


* Everyday, we'll get a chance to reinvent ourselves, fine tune who we are and learn from our past mistakes. It is a never ending process of becoming the best that we can be. 


* The choice is always ours. From the way we want to live our lives to the people we want to spend it with. It is within our control. Learn to say NO to the things or people that we are not comfortable with. 


* Trust your instincts and listen to your intuition. Be aware and avoid harmful situations. 


* What would you consider most important in your life? For me, it is health and safety, family and friends, Love and happiness. The rest I can live mostly without.


* The best present we can give ourselves is to be in the moment. To experience fully, to give freely and receive abundantly what BEING in the now has to offer. 


It is what motivates us. It is what drives us mad. Whether good or bad, it is the reason we feel alive.


* We create our own inner world and our ability to interact with the outside world is what makes us the architects of our lives.


* When life throws us a deck of cards, start dealing. Everything is situational and *seasonal*. It can mostly be solved with a cool head, a couple of shoulders to cry on, a friendly ear to listen and a few helping hands. 


* I am possible. You are possible. We are possible. Life is full of little miracles waiting to happen if only we will believe.


* We grow old the day we discard our inner child. It is what keeps us youthful. We are as beautiful as our inner thoughts. Being childlike brings out the innocence and purity of a true human. Something that our society needs badly and would benefit from.


* Nothing seize a beautiful moment in time as well as a picture can do. I have always believed that you can tell a lot, about what a person deems important in their lives, by the shots that they take. Life is full of beautiful moments and we have so much beauty around us. Start snapping away and share your happiness with the world.


* Staying positive and living a meaningful existence takes effort. What better way to spread the message than to walk the talk and share our understanding of how it works with others. Promoting what you love, protecting your legacy, providing the right platform for others to follow and praising them for enriching their lives as well as others along the way will lead you to enjoy the fruits of your own personal labour. Everyone has experience. What you do with it that counts. The best way to grow is to reflect. Always have pride in what you do. Don't aim to be impressive. Aim to be true.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

My Top 10 Favourite Gifts From You :)

1) Your Precious Time

 * Nothing beats spending wonderful moments with you. Looking back and peeking ahead, it is the memories of today, which will be the past tomorrow, that I will carry into the future.

2) Your Fullest Attention

 * It is because you notice, that you are able to make a difference in my life. I feel HIS love working, right through you.

3) Your Genuine Affection

* Knowing that you truly care, makes my life worth living. Love is what love does.

4) Your Utmost Loyalty

* Such wonderful devotion makes me strive to be better and not let you down. It is an honor worth keeping.

5) Your Plain Honesty

 * Telling me the truth and saying what ISis the best form of showing respect & that you mean well.

6) Your Unbreakable Trust

 * Giving me the freedom to spread my wings and fly away is the best guarantee for you that I'll come running back into your arms, time and again.

7) Your Kind Words

 * Believing in my worth, making yourself heard without having to hurt me, makes me want to sit up straighter, concentrate & please you more.

8) Your Generous Smile

 * A sunny disposition is always contagious. You never fail to lift up my spirits & make me look forward to a better tomorrow.

9) Your Heartwarming Deeds

 * It's the little things that takes up the most room in my heart. When you have nothing much left to offer and you give me all that you have got, it makes me feel so precious. When there are no words spoken and yet you know exactly what is to be done, I feel grateful and loved.

10) Your Silent Prayer

 * Keeping me in your heart and thoughts, wishing me the best in life, sharing your peaceful moment 

with HIM by saying a little prayer for me, is the best gift anyone could ever wish for. Thank you.

Monday, June 17, 2013

We are all mad here. Harmlessly mad..I hope :)

KRriiing! Shrills the school bell. Oh no..Flashback! I cringed when I heard the sound. I went to visit my son's future school today and I was instantly transported back to my past. Tiny feets clamouring all over the place, rushing to squeeze themselves into the same door at the exact same time. Trying to push each other unsuccesfully through that one hole while others can be seen queuing up by the field for their morning assembly. Some in high spirits, others couldn't give a shit. Raging hormones everywhere. In the past, by now, the front gates would have already been locked up. If you were to be late, better to stay at home or face the music. What were you like as a student? I remember being more like the water that fits and follows the shape of my container, secretly wishing I was the river that flows into the ocean instead. How frustrating.

When I was a prefect, there were times when I'll end up missing the first period of class as my duty was to standby outside the gates, execute demerit points and take down the names of the late comers. Oh! How they hate me. Being a class monitor is especially difficult when you have to tell your own best friends to behave. The invincible power bestowed upon you can sometimes go to your head. It can make you feel super smart and overly confident. If you are not careful and if you are unable to catch up, you will be overwhelmed. Laziness and procrastination will eventually get the better of you. The thing is at that moment in time, you do not know why you were chosen in the first place. What makes you so special compared to the rest? Is it because you were one of the best and they know that you'll be able to handle the added responsibility or is it because they felt that by giving you such a role, you will learn to perform better and strive to be a shining example to others. Whatever it is, I now feel somewhat used. I missed out on a lot of lessons, due to doing the chores that were meant to ease the teachers' burdens and was alienated by many for being the eyes and ears of the 'law' when my main role back then as a student was to just blend in and study. On the good side, I learned the art of delegation, working in a team towards a common goal, and carrying out my duties with extreme diligence. What no one taught me was how to be an effective and good leader. How to walk the talk. What to do when you fail? That, I had to learn through my own mistakes, my own awakening and by observing the way how people I like, live their lives.

Being one of the first to walk as a baby does not guarantee that one will be an Olympic champion as an adult and just because one could read the ABC's younger than usual, does not make one a genius or a successful person in the future. Many of my friends from primary to highschool, who were nobody back then are now somebody today. What are we doing wrong here? I wonder. The ones that scored straight A's are having mental breakdowns as we speak and the ones whom the teachers themselves thought to be lost causes, are now making deep impact on society and proving the same people who failed them wrong. As much as I would love to gloat over such a fact, the pain that some have been put through, to get there, has somewhat dampened my enthusiasm. Some do not and will never fully understand the agony and mental torture that their actions have caused others. It's weird when you realize how difficult it is for teachers to be trained to become who they are, to only fail to carry out what they were send out to do in the first place. Educate. It took them years to get the certificates and yet till today many have yet to grasp the easy stuff, such as how to make children laugh or how to make them know that you love and care for them.

I have a love hate relationship with teachers and school. There was a time when it was a safe haven for me to explore, so much so that I didn't want the schooling days to end, before it turned into a prison of sorts that I had to breakaway from. Teachers, a group of people that I idolize and respect, the way I do my parents, became a group of mean creatures that I despise the most. How does one explain that? Who failed whom? Was it the adults fault or was it the child's own doing? Where I am concerned, it was a hard lesson, one big enough to last me a lifetime. A story meant for another day.

School is where I learned about the ways of the world. How one is able to fool others by the way
one dresses or behaves in public. Apple polishing is encouraged. You also get points and priviIeges
for making life easier for the teachers, for being a good student in class, for concentrating and
understanding your subjects well and for being the cream of the crop. You win favors by telling on 
someone else, or for keeping the teachers abreast with the ' underground news '. The staff room is full of back stabbers and gossiping is everybody's favourite past time. It doesn't matter whether you lie to 
your parents, teachers or yourselves as long as no one knows that you have a hickey under your 
'tudung', if no one catches you smoking or snogging behind the corridors or in the toilets, no one will 
think badly of you. Most have become experts at it. The stricter the upbringing, the better the liars. 
As far as everyone's concerned, conform and you'll be safe. Confrontations are a pain in the ass. What scares the hell out of them is when you are not afraid to be you. The real you. The you that needs no 
explanation or no cover ups. That is when all hell will break loose. They will gang up on you, 
teachers and students alike, either secretly or openly to break you down. No one is allowed to be 
different. It is unheard of. Something one should be ashamed of. It doesn't matter if you know what 
you are doing is right, or deep down they know that you haven't done anything wrong. If you have 
your family's backing, that is worse, far worst. Then, you are considered a smart Alec. One who 
needs to be put badly in his or her place! If they themselves were taught that it is wrong, then it must 
not be right. They were not encouraged to think for themselves and to the ones who teach, lessons are meant to be understood by the way it is explained. No questions are welcomed. " To question me, means you are being insolent. It is my way or the highway." That is how arrogant some of them can be. When I was a little girl, I did not see it that way. To me, it was the most horrible form of rejection and I felt unloved. 

From then on, I have come to accept the fact, that in life, you will always face adversity. You can't please everyone and you can't force them to love you either. No point fighting over differing 
opinions. It is there for a reason. My view is that it is an option for you to choose which direction 
you'd prefer to go, as a stop sign for you to think what would be the best way to proceed, as 
entertainment to keep your journey interesting and as a test to strengthen you further. There will 
always be opposition and arguments. It is because no one really knows what is best. Sometimes, 
when you want the truth, you got to seek for it on your own. Getting lost is sometimes the fastest way for you to find yourself. It is not always that someone is wrong and you are always right and by 
accepting that, as well as acknowledging your weaknesses, that is when we grow. Remember what it 
was like when you first learned how to read? There are those who memorize the words, there are 
some who understands the story and a few who will learn a lesson or two behind it. It all depends on 
how we were introduce to the world of reading in the first place. Some hates it, others immerse 
themselves into a world of endless imagination. Along the way, the lovers will grow up to read it to 
their own children, write their very own stories and perhaps share a part of themselves with the 
world. This can only happen when you are exposed to the right environment, are brave enough to 
think for yourself and decide on what's best for you. School never taught me that. Life did. So please 
stop judging a fish by its ability to climb a tree. It'll spend its whole life believing that it is stupid.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Step away from the looking glass

Have you ever been embarrassed before? Really embraced and engulfed by embarrassment that you felt suffocated and needed space to breathe? Well, I have been through that. Not always but by now, you would think that I would be able to handle things better, given the experience. Whenever it happens to me, I wish that there's a huge hole big enough, right under my feet that would just magically open up and swallow me whole, right there and then. Poof! Disappear into a black hole, that would transport me to a land that has no pain, no memories, no past, no expectations. Only a future that is full of promise of all things good. A blank view of anything I'd wish it to be. Why do I refer to such moments as a hug? For the same reasons that I find relationships meaningful. It helps keep me grounded. Too often I dream of reality rather than confronting it. It insist that I make greater effort to learn and grow. It teaches me humility like only a parent's love can.

So what does one do when it decides to visit? You obviously can't avoid it. If it happens to someone else, you can choose to ignore it but when the joke is on you, how do you handle that? Hmm..when it happens and it will, it doesn't care what stage you are in your life and what harm it could do to you. It just happens and then, it leaves you to face the consequences. You have two choices. Stay stuck or move on. You can die of shock, dwell in your sorrow or join in and laugh with the rest. What you shouldn't do is make a bigger spectacle of it. I went all dramatic recently, became defensive and was trying to salvage what *face* I have left. Come to think of it, it was terribly silly of me trying to prove who I really am. If by now, people don't get me, they never will and it's ok. I will have to accept that. I should never let what others think of me define who I am.

I might be a klutz at times but there are many professional clowns around. They are just better at hiding it. I tend to over share but my purpose is to let others learn from my mistakes and because of that, I know I am doing what's right. I also tend to be fearful of what others might think of me when I should be more worried of not doing things right. It's all about perspective and how one view one's self. I have learned to expect less from others but I have yet to learn to accept, how to not be able to live up to my own standards. I need to allow myself to make mistakes as well and realize that I am not perfect either. Besides giving help and advise, it's about time I ask for the same in return. It is when others share their fears and imperfections, that is when you'll know that you are not alone. 

One thing good about embarrassments is that it is always in your past. It lives in your head and as long as you continue living in the moment and know what is truly important, it stays where it should be. In the past tense. No one is immune to it. Live with it and someday, when you are better at it, your unconscious mind shall speak to itself ~ " Hey, amygdala..I have this one under control! " I might now be perceived by some, as the wacko mom who didn't have her act together and could go postal at any minute, but it's fine. The important thing is, my weakness has been highlighted by the ones that means the world to me. It might have been done in the most drastic of manner but it has certainly gotten my attention. What matters is that I know it was done out of love. No one says being a mother is easy. Many fail at it and most are struggling. That is however not an excuse to not try and do your best. They say, " The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world ".  I have been bestowed with a great gift. It's time to treasure it. 

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

A Blessing In Disguise

What has happened since then? You ask. Well, for starters...there was no 3rd world war. We are after all a family therefore we love each other warts and all. A house divided against itself cannot stand and we have silently agreed to work towards a common goal. There was no cold war either. No point getting angry over the truth. However, I couldn't avoid falling into the depths of despair. I still had to work and still had to live but I had no interest in eating. Even a cupcake could not warm me up then. The shock of it all was just too much for me to bear. People around me noticed. My mom was worried sick since I didn't touch any food at all. For three days I was on a liquid diet. My friends at work were not used to seeing me like that. I couldn't bring myself to smile. My heart was aching and I couldn't pretend otherwise. My dear friends sent me jokes, messages of encouragements and one even sang and recorded a song for me to hear since I wasn't answering my calls.They keep on telling me that they miss my old bubbly self. Where once I was like sunshine warming up everything that passes by, I turned into a walking advert of doom and gloom overnight. It reminded me of what it was like after my immediate divorce. I felt betrayed by my closest and dearest. I felt like a scumbag. A total failure. I was once again indulging in my pain. It's bad, I knew that but it felt good to cry.

I went into a self reflection mode instantly. I deactivated my Facebook account, ( Yeah! It was drastic but I wanted to take a breather ), left my group chats, went into hibernation from friends, gave my fullest attention to my boy and started questioning everything all over again. For the second time around..What am I doing wrong this time? What can I do to make things better? Why do some think of me a fake? What am I not genuine about? My feelings? The way I treat others? The way I live my life? The way I carry myself? What?! It took me great effort to pull myself together the last time around. I nearly died when I lost my husband. No one knows exactly the price I had to pay to be where I am today. It was indeed lucky to have had wonderful support from family and friends. So much so, that I must have been taking things for granted again. Four years of having fun and searching for myself is good enough I guess. I am now able to enjoy my own company. It is time to focus on my boy. To take back what is rightfully mine - My preference on how my son should be raised. Looking back, I now understand the wisdom behind what has happened. It was a long time coming. Something that my intuition has warned me about time and time again. Perhaps that is also the main reason why, I chose to decline an offer to work permanently in the Middle East recently.

Since the shocking incident last weekend, my heart has also become stronger. I have known from the start the root cause of it. All these years, it was just swept under the carpet waiting for someone to come by and stir the dirt up all over again. Perhaps that is why I felt the pain more. My son's tantrums was just a trigger. It was the tip of the iceberg. It is unfortunate that he had to bear the brunt when we adults are the ones at fault. No one wanted history repeating itself, that much I am sure of and that is why, fear had gotten the better of us that night. It is sad really, as there were no dragons to slay. That is also why I know, that I have failed my son much and the others too. Thus, I'd like to thank every one of them, whom I consider family, for having done what they did and say what had to be said. Ultimately, I know them long enough to know, that they meant well and for that, I shall forever be grateful.

By the way, just incase some of you were to say " there she goes again ", let me tell you this - It takes a whole lot more to break me. It'll be a lie to say that I wasn't hurt by the slap and what ensued thereafter from all quarters. It might have landed on my son's face but that hand and the actions of the rest, have definitely gutted right through the core of my heart and ripped my soul apart. Being misunderstood will forever be a thorn in my flesh. Something that I will have to live with. I'll never be able to avoid pain. I am only human but I have been there many times before and each time, I have learned how to turn that pain into strength. A knowledge that has been a wonderful gift to me and one that I cherish most in life. I am not being me for the fame. I am way passed that. Being nice, being positive and being the way I am, is my way of making me happy. Living a life of purpose is my way 
of existing. If you can't stand me, step aside and let me pass through..that is your problem not mine. 
At times, all of us need some time out . I have come to experience, that the best advice is always 
found on the pillow. So dream a little dream and be merry. 

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Life isn't always a bed of roses ♥

Something in me died last night. Yesterday was one of my happiest as well as saddest day. I don't know how to describe what has happened but I shall try my very best to be as frank as possible without hurting anyone unnecessarily with the truth. As I sit down on my cozy chair by the beach right now, I am trying to comprehend how much more can I fail in life and what more can I do to make things better. They say truth hurts..but they don't say how much.

I am an amazing friend but I fail big time in other areas when it comes to relationships. My son is only 6 and yet I do not know how to raise him well. I have a mother who is trying her very best to help me in that area and yet she herself, has been told countless times by others that she is not doing it right. I have an uncle who is more like a father to me and I look up to him. Unfortunately he doesn't care much for my son's nonsense. I also have a brother, my one and only, who is trying his very best I hope, to be a better person and I have a son who misses his papa but is smart enough to not ask much questions about him, for he knows he won't get the answer he should hear. One who craves for his mother's attention, manipulates his grandma to his liking, is terribly afraid of his Kong Kong, for he senses no love there and thinks his uncle is God.

I was so looking forward to yesterday. For a single parent like me, weddings are heavenly. I was invited by a dear friend of mine who is a pilot to celebrate his beach wedding at Andaman with his beautiful bride from Japan. Little did they know, the location holds a special place in my heart. It was a destination where someone I used to love once had brought his sweetheart to, long after we stopped being friends. From then on, I was curious to know what it is like to be able to spend time together there.

Right from the sentence " Please come.." I was amazed at how well things fell into place. The fact that my leave was approved at the very last minute without having to beg anyone, the fact that the flights were all full  ( being the last weekend of a school holiday and I am still able to get my seats secured way in advance ), the fact that I got a room on standby especially for me at my favourite spot ( at a cheaper rate than usual ), the fact that of all places, I bumped into my girlfriend whose daughter is a friend of my son's there and we ended up having lunch together with her friends, the fact that I was offered a good deal by a taxi driver to the venue, as I didn't know how far Andaman was from my normal hangout place and how ridiculous it was for me to have to pay nearly RM 160 for transportation to and fro thanks to the midnight surcharge ( I was told not to rent a car and drive alone especially in the middle of the night due to ' makhluk halus ' ), the fact that I thought I was going to be late for the beach wedding because halfway through.. my driver had a flat tyre but luckily I was able to reach on time to see the couple take their wedding vows, the fact that it was indeed a lovely wedding, witnessed by close friends and relatives from both parts of the world, the fact that I enjoyed the service ( I got a waiter into trouble..poor guy, his full cart of glasses went rolling and smashing into the drain thanks to me as I was late and lost, so he wanted to guide me to where the party is ), the fact that the food was so delicious and the company was exactly how fun people should be.

However, nothing good lasts forever. It all came crashing down halfway through dinner. I received a few phone calls, text messages from my brother and a few concerned friends. " Open your Facebook! " it says. " Be careful how you reply " was another one. " Are you alright? " my bestie asked me. " " Oh dear, I didn't want to spoil your Langkawi trip. I am sorry " Came my brother's reply when he found out where I was. It was a shock when I read what was posted on our walls. It was a family disaster and my worst nightmare. Not the fact that my uncle had given my son a slap ( which I found out from him later, that it wasn't a hard one but enough to get his message across ) for throwing tantrums but the fact that he had to justify his actions by putting it down for the world to see. I called him immediately to ask about what had happen and told him how I felt. He was  shocked that I am
more concerned about being embarrassed by his wall post than the fact that my son is getting way out of control. He has a point there and I understood. I called up my brother to ask why he had to tag me 
on that particular post and his reason was that he thought I might miss the post otherwise ( He was 
just as lost as I ) and when I called up my mom, she said "lets not talk about this. The less is being 
said, the better. We are off to sleep, goodnight. "

Imagine what was going through my mind. Something snapped and I cried my eyeballs out by the
poolside. I made sure no one saw me especially the bride and groom. It is after all their special day. It was sad enough to have found out earlier, that the bride's father had passed on a few days after their 
wedding in Japan. It was good though to have known that he had gotten a chance to give his 
daughter's hand away to this wonderful person in the first place. Nothing is ever set in stone and the 
unexpected tends to creep on to you when you least expect it! Things always has to happen at the 
worst timing, sigh..At that moment it also didn't help matters when my phone battery was dying on 
me ( busy snapping pictures away earlier ) and the phone line keeps getting disconnected due to the 
location. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't go back to the party. I looked like shit! I had to leave 
straight away. I wasn't in the right frame of mind. Run! Was my first response. Lie was my second...

I gave the worst lie ever. I requested for a waitress to call a fellow girlfriend of mine that was seated
next to me to pass me my handbag and later on told her that I need to go back. "There's an
emergency." I explained. Then another came and another. I stopped it at three. " Why? " They wanted to know. I told them rubbish. " A friend died. " At that moment in time, it sounded way better than 
the truth. At least others won't think poorly of me or my family, I thought. I told them not to tell 
anyone else. " We wouldn't want to ruin someone else's day" I said. They agreed whole heartedly. I 
felt far worse after that. It didn't help matters at all. I wasn't being true to myself and I knew it.

I reached my cabin early. I went for a walk by the beach. Listening to the sound of the ocean soothes
my soul. As I was heading back to my room, a guy who bought me a drink before I left for my party
earlier in the day, stopped me at the stairs and offered to send me to the airport when I am ready to
leave, as I had mention to him about my departure date and timing when we last spoke. I declined but
he insisted. I was too tired to get into a conversation, so I accepted gracefully and excused myself.
Poor boy doesn't even know that I am a Muslim woman and a single parent yet. I think I am also way
older than him. All he sees is a beautiful young carefree girl by the beach. How deceiving a smile can be and how complicated things truly are.

I can't explain my uncle's actions or speak on behalf of my brother for what has transpired. Neither
can I explain why my mom deems fit to coddle my son the way she does. I can only rectify what I am doing wrong.  Being a single parent is not an excuse to leave your child to be taught by his teachers
or be disciplined by others. Neither is my situation an excuse to let my mom bear all the responsibility for the way my son behaves at the moment. It was all my undoings. Instead of arguing
and putting my foot down at times, to avoid confrontations from all areas, I had in fact played a huge
part in what went down last night and for that, I assume full responsibility for my lack of foresight. It
is the truth and nothing but the help me GOD.