We all play games. Mind games, emotional games and all sorts of energy sucking games in the process of wanting to be right at all costs. Fear and lack drives us to our very own destruction. It is inevitable. Survival of the fittest. And then we blame the whole wide world. Well, I did that anyway at one point in time. It is exhausting don't you think so?
Over time I have come to learn much about myself. The crap that I had been joyfully indulging myself in, finally ended one day. It all started from another betrayal that cost me to have another breakdown. Losing trust over humanity was what broke the camel's back. I could not stand living like that.
Love turned to hatred and pain turned to numbness. What I did not realize back then was the reason I became so sad and angry was because I'd sold myself short once again, all in the name of insecurity. I was so desperate for a sense of belonging and connection that I was willing to be a doormat out of fear of being dumped. Deep down I knew I wasn't appreciated and yet I was too stubborn to accept the truth. I have now come to terms with it and forgave myself for the way I did not love me.
I used to be so afraid of conflicts. Avoided it infact. I relate conflicts to physical and emotional pain. I grew up believing that children should be seen and not heard. Due to my own childhood experiences and watching how my parents fight, I associate it to violence and submissiveness. It was loud, full of anger and scary. Nothing loving about it. On the other hand, I also experience not rocking the boat, suppressing our feelings and be ok with not being happy.
I learned to hide away.
I learned to cry alone.
I learned to cut myself off.
I learned to push people away.
I learned to use words to attack.
I learned to threaten to leave in order to get what I want from others.
In order to be right about everything I learnt the art of justification. I was an amazing manipulator and was full of illusions. I wasn't all that bad. I had a conscience after all and yet I wasn't innocent. I played a part in everything that had happened in my life. I attracted the drama. I was the cause. Like attracts like and there is no point denying my role in it.
I now look at conflicts differently. I welcome it. I can see its benefits. I found out how to play nice! I can still walk away from it being friends, still in love and whole. Something that I did not get to learn during my childhood nor was it taught in schools. Plenty of adults are still hopeless at disagreeing and some have gone too far without any chance of turning back. This cycle will continue to rule us, till and when we are aware of our own patterns and set a higher bar for ourselves. It takes accountability and the ability to respond to create the change we want to see in ourselves and others. A lot of hardwork and sometimes plenty of resistance.
Now speaking my mind mindfully, knowing where I am coming from and using my heart abundantly, gives me courage and freedom to be real and vulnerable. Fighting fair, listening attentively instead of thinking of what to say next so that I can be right, putting the relationship whatever it might be or whomever it is with above self, wanting to truly heal instead of destroy, creating space to be aware of my thoughts and knowing that it can be distorted gives me an advantage on how to behave differently.
When I am aware of how I have been operating and showing up in life previously, I can now do something about it. I get to delve deeper into myself, ask the right questions and understand how those feelings came about. I had the opportunity to rewire my brains and get it to function at a higher level of usefulness.
Knowing what triggers me to snap, how my physical body reacts to a certain situation and being able to catch myself before another fall, gives me the drive to want to understand myself better. Loving myself no matter what, prepared to forgive myself for the mistakes that I may still make along the way, allowing myself to learn from it all, is another wonderful opportunity to grow!
I can now look in the mirror and be proud of how far I have come.
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