Have you ever been embarrassed before? Really embraced and engulfed by embarrassment that you felt suffocated and needed space to breathe? Well, I have been through that. Not always but by now, you would think that I would be able to handle things better, given the experience. Whenever it happens to me, I wish that there's a huge hole big enough, right under my feet that would just magically open up and swallow me whole, right there and then. Poof! Disappear into a black hole, that would transport me to a land that has no pain, no memories, no past, no expectations. Only a future that is full of promise of all things good. A blank view of anything I'd wish it to be. Why do I refer to such moments as a hug? For the same reasons that I find relationships meaningful. It helps keep me grounded. Too often I dream of reality rather than confronting it. It insist that I make greater effort to learn and grow. It teaches me humility like only a parent's love can.
So what does one do when it decides to visit? You obviously can't avoid it. If it happens to someone else, you can choose to ignore it but when the joke is on you, how do you handle that? Hmm..when it happens and it will, it doesn't care what stage you are in your life and what harm it could do to you. It just happens and then, it leaves you to face the consequences. You have two choices. Stay stuck or move on. You can die of shock, dwell in your sorrow or join in and laugh with the rest. What you shouldn't do is make a bigger spectacle of it. I went all dramatic recently, became defensive and was trying to salvage what *face* I have left. Come to think of it, it was terribly silly of me trying to prove who I really am. If by now, people don't get me, they never will and it's ok. I will have to accept that. I should never let what others think of me define who I am.
I might be a klutz at times but there are many professional clowns around. They are just better at hiding it. I tend to over share but my purpose is to let others learn from my mistakes and because of that, I know I am doing what's right. I also tend to be fearful of what others might think of me when I should be more worried of not doing things right. It's all about perspective and how one view one's self. I have learned to expect less from others but I have yet to learn to accept, how to not be able to live up to my own standards. I need to allow myself to make mistakes as well and realize that I am not perfect either. Besides giving help and advise, it's about time I ask for the same in return. It is when others share their fears and imperfections, that is when you'll know that you are not alone.
One thing good about embarrassments is that it is always in your past. It lives in your head and as long as you continue living in the moment and know what is truly important, it stays where it should be. In the past tense. No one is immune to it. Live with it and someday, when you are better at it, your unconscious mind shall speak to itself ~ " Hey, amygdala..I have this one under control! " I might now be perceived by some, as the wacko mom who didn't have her act together and could go postal at any minute, but it's fine. The important thing is, my weakness has been highlighted by the ones that means the world to me. It might have been done in the most drastic of manner but it has certainly gotten my attention. What matters is that I know it was done out of love. No one says being a mother is easy. Many fail at it and most are struggling. That is however not an excuse to not try and do your best. They say, " The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world ". I have been bestowed with a great gift. It's time to treasure it.
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